i'm glad you're all such good friends.

let's face it, old people are gross. if you're an old person and you're reading this, just fess up. i'm in my 20s so therefore i have an undeserved sense of accomplishment and think i know everything, and you're an old person whose skin is literally sloughing off.

my opinion is in the minority, however, when it comes to old people on tv. everyone i know loooves the golden girls. it's a weird 80s sitcom featuring 3 old women and a transvestite living together and getting it on. i can't fathom its popularity. why in the world would i want to watch old people talking about sex? ick.

that's an actual line from the show up there...

yet its popularity reigns on. i'd seen the show before but only a couple times. my friends and i are all alike in the fact that we like pretty things, photography, weird humor, and vintage. however, i think i'm the only one that doesn't like the golden girls. every one of my pals has tried to get me to watch it and i've said no. i don't think i should have had to turn down a show about old women doing it so many times. and never did i think i'd be accosted in my home by my own HUSBAND.

c'mon dude! since when do guys like the golden girls? isn't it even MORE wrong to picture old ladies dating as a guy? isn't that why old men still continue to date much younger women? because old people are gross??

but nope, kevin loves this show and one surprising day it showed up on our television. he chirped off the same refrain i'd heard before, "you'll like it! it's super hilarious! come on! old people talking about doing it! tee hee."

seriously? why would that ever be a selling point?

there are so many things wrong with this show. first off, the biggest barrier: how does dorothy get a date, ever? she looks like a man, she has terrible hair and she wears super gross 80s clothing. there's an episode when she discusses spanish fly. she goes into detail with rose about spanish fly so as to get her minks to have sex. what? how could i make this up, and in what world do i want to hear two old ladies discuss aphrodisiacs in order to help their pets to get it on?

it's freaking weird to live with your mother and 2 roommates at 60 something years old. i admire their attitude, living outside the box and all. it's still strange, though.

the whole show is just 80s ridiculousness. Quirky situations with easy solutions and silly wisecracks. It's like punky brewster with old people. and given the choice between punky brewster, and old people version of punky brewster...

this?

 

or this?

i mean, punky had brandon and that kickass treehouse. maybe if Christopher Lloyd (that's right, there's a second christopher lloyd out there. he looks much less crazy and he worked on the golden girls. he appears to be the opposite of the other lloyd in many ways...) had put all of those bitches in a brewster/darling style tree and/or clubhouse, i would be more into the idea of the golden girls. they could have discussed baby sitting and make up instead of feelings and one night stands. 

maybe if adam reed remade the golden girls in a blaze of awesome the way christopher nolan blew new life into the batman series... actually if that happened i would become the golden girls' number one fan. instead of 3 women and a transvestite it could be one kickass lady and 3 zombies. yes. i would watch that absolutely. 

somebody make that happen before betty white dies.

how to remain calm in the face of adversary.

i have one major pet peeve. i get annoyed a lot, but it's usually circumstantial and i get over it quickly. however, there is one thing that absolutely drives me crazy to an irrational level.

i hate it when people put an A in my name. growing up, there were 1000s of Lindseys. so many people with the same name as me and most of them were horrible. do you know how many boring people are named lindsey? or more specifically lindsay? think about one you know, is she vapid? perhaps a slut? that was the case when i was growing up. i didn't want to be lumped in with these morons! maybe i was unlucky, i'm sure there are plenty of awesome, fun lindsays out there; i know a couple.

i got so effing tired of correcting people on how to spell my name. and half the time they acted like i had offended them by spelling my name differently. it just shows such a lack of respect. i can spell your name correctly, where is it exactly that you're struggling? repeat offenders were the worst. three strikes you're out, man.

anyway, i could go on and on about why i hate it, but excess anger isn't good for the circulatory system, right? so in order to remain calm in the face of unwelcome As (seriously, i even dropped my middle name, amanda, in order to replace it with my maiden name when i got married because it had too many As in it. i hold a grudge against the 1st letter), i decided to read the misspelling a completely different way. instead of reading "Lindsay" as it's written, i'm going to read it as if someone from canada is calling me linds. then i will get a chuckle out of picturing a mountie calling me linds instead of picturing someone too stupid to spell my name logically. 

brilliant, right?

i'm gonna live forever. 

smirk t adkins

my dad had a birthday this past weekend. i wanted to post something ON st. patty's day, the day of his actual birth, but i suck and am doing it a week later. you can assume i was too drunk to get it together on st. patty's day if you'd like.

anyhoo, my dad is better than your dad, first off. my dad introduced me to mel brooks and america. not the country, the awesome folk band. probably. he's always been there for me and always takes my side in an argument. that may not have been the best plan since it gave me an over inflated ego, but it's nice to know you can complain to someone who will immediately take your side.

however, one of my favorite aspects of my awesome dad (jump on board, if you knew him, you'd agree. he's a buckeye for crying out loud), is how he'll totally lie right to your face to prank you. since his daughter is SUPER gullible, i got lied to a lot as a child. it was always something hilarious or unbelievable; something i should have realized was untrue.

one of my favorite stories about me and my dad is when he tricked me into thinking that the english language was invented by a guy named "johnny english", a literary genius. i'm assuming we were talking about the origin of language in general and my dad saw an opportunity not to be missed.

the key to successfully pulling one over on me was the complete, unwavering confidence that came with delivering a line of total bullshit. that's what did it. he told me "johnny english" invented the english language with the same ease one would use to talk about tonight's dinner.

at first i didn't believe him. surely, i would have learned that my language was invented by some dude. at some point in my history classes someone, somewhere would have mentioned that this guy named johnny came up with our language. he would have a special day or something like lincoln or mlk. but tolkien  invented a language didn't he? so it's not so out there that this gentleman sat down one day and came up with the whole english language. i don't pay attention anyway, so maybe i just missed it.

then i remembered that my dad majored in history and he would probably know, wouldn't he? growing up my dad always had all kinds of trivia to share about american history. he knew all of the presidents in order for crying out loud, who does that? there's also the inherent family trust factor:

 i would really like to tell you i was young when i fell for this story. maybe if i was 4 or 8, it could be seen as cute and not embarrassingly hilarious. if i remember correctly, i was a freshman in college. maybe, if i want to give myself 3 more months, the summer before my freshman year.

no one should be that sickeningly gullible.

happy way belated birthday dad!

boosh. also, ignore this.

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why it would suck to be a plant

our one-sided love runs deep.

my adoration for adam reed knows no bounds. he's the funniest man alive [after mel brooks]. his voice is magically hilarious. if you don't like at least one of these shows, i seriously question our friendship. it won't run deep, that's for sure. we will never be bff if you can't tell me where babar's house is.

 

 

 

 

this is a weird post.

say it with fabric.

 

i wanted to put something like, "but when i do, i'm not playing an american". but then i thought it was pretty silly to rip on americans when i'm american... check it out man, anytime he plays a british dude, he's wearing velvet.

guy from hannibal? american and therefore, no velvet.

dude from red riding? had an english-ish accent and wore a flippin velvet dress.

commissioner gordon? even though his accent goes from heavy brooklyn in batman begins to sirius black voice in the dark knight, american which means no velvet.

sirius black? well, look at the photo...

gary oldman!