Thursday, May 31, 2012

problem-o solve-o

these last couple of weeks i've run into a problem. luckily, today i solved it.

kevin is in michigan doing his internship and i've suddenly become a single mother to bear and hooper (no big deal) and cheryl (omggg please kill me. or this dog).

having cheryl in the house is like having a really stupid energetic toddler to watch out for. not just any toddler, but a clingy, and let me emphasize again, DUMB toddler.

cheryl can barely be taught. she can learn, but it takes her a really long time with lots of yelling. (i'm not kidding, i'm a good dog owner, dammit. i've had dogs my whole life. i read genius ABA-usin' cesar milan's book. i rescued bear. we saved cheryl from backyard abandonment. but she cannot learn without shouting. she needs the knowledge scared into her.) her story is one for another day.

keeping retarded cheryl alive requires a lot of work, but i'm down for that. i know how to handle it. what i cannot handle is retarded cheryl and love of my life bear up and deciding they don't like their food anymore. that pushes the pot over. now i have to buy gravy? i have to add an extra step onto feeding them? i barely want to scoop two different servings. it would be much more convenient for me if they two of them could share one large bowl. now i'm expected to buy or make gravy, put the food in the bowls, stir it all up and THEN give it to them? what am i, a scientist? or rachel ray?

still, bear is my darling magic awesome dog, and if he isn't eating i felt i should at least make an effort to make his meal more appetizing. if bear got his food doctored, i wasn't going to leave retard cheryl out; that would just be mean.

however, when that giant, tail-less, toothless fucker refused my specially made beef bouillon food/soup, i drew the line. how dare you, buddy. where did you find the balls to turn down my delicious beef broth food? crunchy food soaked in BEEF JUICE so your poor little teeth nubs wouldn't hurt when you ate, i MADE that for you. i personally took your dish into the kitchen with food and dumped broth on top. then i gave it a little stir so everything was even. that's work, dude. work i didn't want to add to my already busy day. and you TURNED it DOWN?! you must be crazy.

game on, dick.

after that i went with my original plan. when cheryl and bear originally refused to eat the nutritionally balanced, previously loved dry food for no good reason, the behavior analyst in me said that doing anything would reinforce their behavior and would encourage discerning taste in the future. look, they're dogs. eat the food i give you or go live in the woods. however SOMEONE (kevin) felt bad and told me i couldn't just "not feed them." (um, why not? hello, if they were in the wild would momma doggie go find some rabbit gravy to slather all over her pup's food? hell, no. eat it or get out.)  at first i had to try other options. other options stop at trying to make beef soup seem appealing.

so i cut out their breakfast.

you wouldn't believe how excited bear and cheryl were to eat that tasty, tasty dry food. ohmigosh guys, suddenly it was amazing. isn't that funny. turns out i can starve them and it will work because i'm awesome and they're dumbass dogs.

me: 1
dogs: 0 + shame