Friday, April 20, 2012

my brief stint as a mother.

one of my many faults is that i'm not opposed to lying. not major lies, just innocent little white ones. in high school i scored the highest in my class on some machiavellian personality test because i marked "strongly agree" to phrases like, "a little fib is ok if it works out in the end" and "what a person does not know, will not harm them".

so when i found myself in a situation where i accidentally admitted to being a mother, i was kind of nervous, but not really surprised.

one day i was with a couple of women who were talking about their children. it became VERY apparent that one of them clearly valued motherhood above anything else. being just the three of us, i did not have much to say. i stood there, quietly, secretly hoping the inevitable question would not come up. i did not want to admit to this woman that i had no children, had no intention of having children and secretly hoped my uterus was as dried up as an open paper bag of sawdust in the middle of the desert in the middle of the summer. i didn't want to look like the heartless jackass.

the question did come up, however.

i ended up telling her that i had a 2 year old daughter named Remy (which was short for Rumor which she was not to know...). she immediately approved. i was in; i was part of the club. i understood things that the real me couldn't possibly fathom. our conversation ended shortly after, and i haven't spoken to her since. so no harm done right?

when i told that story later, i said remy drowned at the public pool. i figured i had to get back to my original state somehow so having her drown seemed like the best option. kevin was supposed to be watching her swim but he was too busy studying for his 1L finals. major bummer. one time someone overheard me and they didn't realize that remy was imaginary... that was pretty funny.

Thursday, April 19, 2012


there are several things in my life i like to declare as facts and that's that. since i don't have suckfest facebook anymore and twitter is for retards, i decided to lump them all in this one post.

fact #1:
it's always sunny in philadelphia is the funniest, bestest show out there. it's also a super accurate representation of the people of philadelphia. everyone in philly is a sociopathic dick like mac, dennis, dee and charlie.

fact #2:
spaghetti squash is gross. stop trying to get me to eat it, america.

fact #3:
(which goes in line with fact #2) crescent rolls that come from a tube are not food. stop showing me gross ass recipes using crescent rolls, internet. (i'm looking at you, pinterest...)

fact #4:
benjamin franklin is the king of badasses.  KING.

fact #5:
putting food on a stick is fucking lame. if you ever hand me food on a stick and it's not a kabob or we're not at the fair, then i will give you an earful. I'M LOOKING AT YOU, CAKEPOPS.

fact #6:
when i clean my bitch cat's litter box she likes to sit and stare at me by her food dish as if to let me know how futile my actions really are...

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

i'm glad you're all such good friends.

let's face it, old people are gross. if you're an old person and you're reading this, just fess up. i'm in my 20s so therefore i have an undeserved sense of accomplishment and think i know everything, and you're an old person whose skin is literally sloughing off.

my opinion is in the minority, however, when it comes to old people on tv. everyone i know loooves the golden girls. it's a weird 80s sitcom featuring 3 old women and a transvestite living together and getting it on. i can't fathom its popularity. why in the world would i want to watch old people talking about sex? ick.

that's an actual line from the show up there...

yet its popularity reigns on. i'd seen the show before but only a couple times. my friends and i are all alike in the fact that we like pretty things, photography, weird humor, and vintage. however, i think i'm the only one that doesn't like the golden girls. every one of my pals has tried to get me to watch it and i've said no. i don't think i should have had to turn down a show about old women doing it so many times. and never did i think i'd be accosted in my home by my own HUSBAND.

c'mon dude! since when do guys like the golden girls? isn't it even MORE wrong to picture old ladies dating as a guy? isn't that why old men still continue to date much younger women? because old people are gross??

but nope, kevin loves this show and one surprising day it showed up on our television. he chirped off the same refrain i'd heard before, "you'll like it! it's super hilarious! come on! old people talking about doing it! tee hee."

seriously? why would that ever be a selling point?

there are so many things wrong with this show. first off, the biggest barrier: how does dorothy get a date, ever? she looks like a man, she has terrible hair and she wears super gross 80s clothing. there's an episode when she discusses spanish fly. she goes into detail with rose about spanish fly so as to get her minks to have sex. what? how could i make this up, and in what world do i want to hear two old ladies discuss aphrodisiacs in order to help their pets to get it on?

it's freaking weird to live with your mother and 2 roommates at 60 something years old. i admire their attitude, living outside the box and all. it's still strange, though.

the whole show is just 80s ridiculousness. Quirky situations with easy solutions and silly wisecracks. It's like punky brewster with old people. and given the choice between punky brewster, and old people version of punky brewster...


or this?

i mean, punky had brandon and that kickass treehouse. maybe if Christopher Lloyd (that's right, there's a second christopher lloyd out there. he looks much less crazy and he worked on the golden girls. he appears to be the opposite of the other lloyd in many ways...) had put all of those bitches in a brewster/darling style tree and/or clubhouse, i would be more into the idea of the golden girls. they could have discussed baby sitting and make up instead of feelings and one night stands. 

maybe if adam reed remade the golden girls in a blaze of awesome the way christopher nolan blew new life into the batman series... actually if that happened i would become the golden girls' number one fan. instead of 3 women and a transvestite it could be one kickass lady and 3 zombies. yes. i would watch that absolutely. 

somebody make that happen before betty white dies.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

how to remain calm in the face of adversary.

i have one major pet peeve. i get annoyed a lot, but it's usually circumstantial and i get over it quickly. however, there is one thing that absolutely drives me crazy to an irrational level.

i hate it when people put an A in my name. growing up, there were 1000s of Lindseys. so many people with the same name as me and most of them were horrible. do you know how many boring people are named lindsey? or more specifically lindsay? think about one you know, is she vapid? perhaps a slut? that was the case when i was growing up. i didn't want to be lumped in with these morons! maybe i was unlucky, i'm sure there are plenty of awesome, fun lindsays out there; i know a couple.

i got so effing tired of correcting people on how to spell my name. and half the time they acted like i had offended them by spelling my name differently. it just shows such a lack of respect. i can spell your name correctly, where is it exactly that you're struggling? repeat offenders were the worst. three strikes you're out, man.

anyway, i could go on and on about why i hate it, but excess anger isn't good for the circulatory system, right? so in order to remain calm in the face of unwelcome As (seriously, i even dropped my middle name, amanda, in order to replace it with my maiden name when i got married because it had too many As in it. i hold a grudge against the 1st letter), i decided to read the misspelling a completely different way. instead of reading "Lindsay" as it's written, i'm going to read it as if someone from canada is calling me linds. then i will get a chuckle out of picturing a mountie calling me linds instead of picturing someone too stupid to spell my name logically. 

brilliant, right?

i'm gonna live forever.