Wednesday, December 28, 2011

GTFO Michigan!

i drive an hour to and from work everyday, so i see a lot of billboards. lately i've noticed a major increase in a certain type of sign:

photo by arace photography and i hope they don't mind

these signs are everywhere! with all different nature photos that could have been taken ANYWHERE. there is no proof that that is michigan; that bridge could be in narnia for all we know. (first photographic evidence of narnia and they hide it on a michigan billboard? dickish or brilliant?)

in a lot of the pictures there is one random person doing something dangerous in the snow or water. one has a guy climbing a super serious looking rock with a waterfall, and he's climbing up the MIDDLE of the waterfall. look dude, there is dry, easily grab-able rock right next to you. why in the world would you choose to battle some dick waterfall, whose sole purpose is to rush downward? plus water is slippery.

the other photo has people snowshoeing or something. hey michigan, i don't need to travel 5 hours to go snowshoe in the middle of nowhere. i live in bloomington, in. as soon as it snows here there is plenty of BFE for me to wander around in with tennis rackets taped to my feet.

why is michigan trying to invade indiana? why do they want the hoosiers so badly? i am pretty sure the rest of america has no use for a bunch of people from indiana, so what's michigan's plan? are they raising an army ("build me an army...worthy of michigan") to take over the world? or at least the midwest?

my whole life i've been raised to think that michigan is a dirty shithole full of retards. my dad graduated from THE ohio state university and we were taught that michigan didn't even deserve a name, just "that state up north". so naturally i'm suspicious of michigan trying to lure me to it's supposedly retarded garbage heap. has michigan changed? was i taught a lie?

our learned hatred ran so deep that just seeing someone in the unfortunate color combo of "maze and blue" caused me to immediately mistrust them. didn't they know? weren't they aware that those colors were unlucky and GOD himself would probably smite them down because GOD was certainly a buckeye, otherwise how else could you explain their season going so well? i soon began to think that talking to such foolish people would bring the bad luck upon me, so it was probably best to make them my enemy right away so as to be prepared when they eventually turned on me.

ironically enough (or not, i can never tell if i'm using that word properly. i miss the days when me and alanis agreed that irony was just funny shit that happened to you that also happened to suck.) my dad the buckeye now lives 45 minutes from ann arbor, home of the biggest retards of all: the wolverines. poor guy.

so i guess technically that means i'll have to visit michigan sooner or later. sneaky, michigan, sneaky...