Thursday, December 29, 2011

how to be a good driver.

let's face it guys, i'm a really good driver. i can get from one place to another super fast, and i can do lots of other things while doing so. i'm seriously good at driving. plus, i can drive a standard, which only like 4 other people in america can do. YOU get behind the wheel of a car with THREE super complicated pedals and make it work. exactly. difficult stuff that i'm really good at.

because of this, i recently had the thought, "hey, maybe you should give some driving tips! after all, a lot of people out there are really BAD drivers. maybe they could use some help!" genius, right?

so, in order to make the road more palatable, i offer you these helpful hints.

1. driving is a game. in order to win the game, you must be the car in front.

i know what you're thinking, "a game?! no, no, no. driving is about safety". calm down, square hat, you couldn't be more wrong. this is why are roads are so clogged and it takes far too long to get anywhere. if everyone on the road would just man up and play the game, then we would have far fewer problems.

any good game has to have rules, right? of course, bromigo. the rules of the driving game are as follows:

                     1. don't be a pussy. i can't stress this enough. you're never going to get to the front and enjoy blissful, panoramic landscape if you're dragging in the back, afraid to make a move. nope, you'll be stuck behind the old lady wishing you were dead or she was. this is not ideal.
                     2. if you can see the bumper of the car in front of you, you're losing. if you're so far back from the guy who has the AUDACITY to be going slow in the left lane (the right lane is for time outs and non-team players) that you can see his bumper, then what are you doing?
                     3. if you don't want to play, get in the right lane until the absolute LAST second before you have to turn left (if you have to turn left at all, that is).

i think that's about it! it's a pretty simple game. you'll know you've won when there are no cars around you and you haven't been pulled over. (secret cloaking device: if you're speeding like hell in the RIGHT lane, it's like the cops can't see you. i'm serious, try it.)

2. it's totally cool to do other stuff while driving. 

driving is a really easy, menial task. so if you're spending all of your brain energy focusing on something that is excruciatingly boring, it's going to get mad at you. your brain has better things to do than watch yellow lines go by and, in my neighborhood, cows. yellow lines and cows are both lame and pissing off your brain is a bad idea. that's why i suggest doing lots of fun things that are completely unrelated to driving. need help thinking of ideas? no problemo!

1. talk to your friends! friends are fun and everyone has them (even if they're imaginary) so feel free to whip out that phone and text or dial away! tell your friends about the cows (maybe they're dumber than your brain and they're interested) or whatever; it's all about feeding your poor bored brain the fun it needs to keep you from crashing that car. sometimes i like to send my friends random quotes from disney movies. other times i prefer to call friends and leave them long voicemails as to why i don't currently like the songs on the radio. i've made several calls concerning bono.

2. smoke a cigarette or cigar or bubble pipe. whatever. this helps pass the time on tedious drives. holding things in your mouth and then randomly flicking them out the window is serious fun. minus points for taking minutes off your life, but hey, how great was it really going anyway? feel free to invest in a bubble pipe and you can probably keep your minutes, but where to find one of those things? the party store?

3. put on make up or lotion or something. everyone looks better with a little make up! swipe on that eye shadow! glide on that eyeliner! make your lips pop with that cherry red, or if you're a dude, cherry chapstick. your skin is probably dry, so add some lotion to the mix. bonus: lotion makes your hands slippery which makes following rule #1 a lot harder.

4. sing your brains out! bonus points if you head bang your shit all over the place and still stay on the road.

3. speed is just a number, baby.

seriously. speed limits are straight up retarded. who decided i can only go 35? no thank you sir, i'm not trying to get there tomorrow. and school zones, are you kidding me? like it's going to hurt that kid any more if i hit him going 25 vs 50. either way, it's going to suck. take a glance around, and if you don't see any cops, go for it. your car will tell you what speed you need to go. listen to your good buddy.

for example, my jetta's happy speed is about 74-77. i can go faster but then i feel like i'm rushing and ol' robert zimmerman (name of my vehicle) and that results in sloppy driving. 50 is the preferred in town speed, but honestly people just get in the way, which is why rule #1 was created.

the point of driving is to have fun and get there as quickly as possible. after a while you start to feel seriously trapped in that little box like maybe you can't breathe and ohmygod can i stretch my legs already!? that's what happens when you drive too slow; you cause panic attacks.

good luck future super awesome drivers!