Friday, April 20, 2012

my brief stint as a mother.

one of my many faults is that i'm not opposed to lying. not major lies, just innocent little white ones. in high school i scored the highest in my class on some machiavellian personality test because i marked "strongly agree" to phrases like, "a little fib is ok if it works out in the end" and "what a person does not know, will not harm them".

so when i found myself in a situation where i accidentally admitted to being a mother, i was kind of nervous, but not really surprised.

one day i was with a couple of women who were talking about their children. it became VERY apparent that one of them clearly valued motherhood above anything else. being just the three of us, i did not have much to say. i stood there, quietly, secretly hoping the inevitable question would not come up. i did not want to admit to this woman that i had no children, had no intention of having children and secretly hoped my uterus was as dried up as an open paper bag of sawdust in the middle of the desert in the middle of the summer. i didn't want to look like the heartless jackass.

the question did come up, however.

i ended up telling her that i had a 2 year old daughter named Remy (which was short for Rumor which she was not to know...). she immediately approved. i was in; i was part of the club. i understood things that the real me couldn't possibly fathom. our conversation ended shortly after, and i haven't spoken to her since. so no harm done right?

when i told that story later, i said remy drowned at the public pool. i figured i had to get back to my original state somehow so having her drown seemed like the best option. kevin was supposed to be watching her swim but he was too busy studying for his 1L finals. major bummer. one time someone overheard me and they didn't realize that remy was imaginary... that was pretty funny.