boosh. also, ignore this.

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why it would suck to be a plant

our one-sided love runs deep.

my adoration for adam reed knows no bounds. he's the funniest man alive [after mel brooks]. his voice is magically hilarious. if you don't like at least one of these shows, i seriously question our friendship. it won't run deep, that's for sure. we will never be bff if you can't tell me where babar's house is.

 

 

 

 

this is a weird post.

say it with fabric.

 

i wanted to put something like, "but when i do, i'm not playing an american". but then i thought it was pretty silly to rip on americans when i'm american... check it out man, anytime he plays a british dude, he's wearing velvet.

guy from hannibal? american and therefore, no velvet.

dude from red riding? had an english-ish accent and wore a flippin velvet dress.

commissioner gordon? even though his accent goes from heavy brooklyn in batman begins to sirius black voice in the dark knight, american which means no velvet.

sirius black? well, look at the photo...

gary oldman!

numbers are hard.

today at work we had a gentleman come and talk to us about setting up our 401k. he was very nice and tried to his hardest to explain everything clearly. unfortunately, when you're dealing with a total math and logic retard, your hardest sometimes isn't good enough.

he kept using these adult terms like "fund" and "investment". i was baffled, but i had already asked like 3 questions. i didn't want to interrupt him to be like, "look dude. what the fuck are you talking about?" instead i just sat there, intermittently nodding when he made eye contact with me (which is important in faking like you understand). there were definite points where i thought things were making sense, and i could see myself as an old lady living the life of preplanned luxury. however, then we'd turn a page or advance a section and the sad image of 70 year old me paying for support hose with pennies would float before my eyes. it didn't help that he kept referring to our 401k as "john hancock". i just remember thinking, "wtf does that guy have to do with anything?" apparently it's the name of the company. my bad.

 i was told i was going to get to miss work for an hour to go to a meeting about retirement. how awesome does that sound? missing work to talk about when you never have to work again. sign me up! i didn't mentally prepare for it. i didn't remember to coach my brain, to remind it that numbers and math and money was going to be the subject for the next hour. going from talking cat ipad apps and rampant autism to grown up money conversation is hard when you don't prepare. it was just all too much for me to handle.

 

it'll probably be ok, because kevin will figure it out. if he ever dies, i'm totally boned though. he better make it until at least 90 or something...

david bowie ftw

it's great to be in cincinnati!

the post is just to make fun of kevin

kevin sucks at making snacks; i am clearly superior.

me:

kevin:

 

cold.

bono is on the tv, mucking up my across the universe viewing. you're gross, bono.

it really is. when i'm rich, i'm going to order my maid to turn up the thermostat ALL DAY.

new game

a couple of weeks ago i started playing a game with kevin. he rarely joins me until he has to.

the main object of the game is to get away from him. (this is the primary reason he isn't usually playing). sometimes in a store i will just casually sneak away down another aisle. this often occurs when he is comparing prices and talking about coupons. i loathe coupons.

if there is more room and we're, for example, outside, i will try to completely bolt away from him. most times he is explaining something and i just get bored with it so i leave.

have you ever tried it? it's suuuper fun. running away from someone and having them chase you is exhilarating. the more times you run away, the more fun it becomes.

kevin is usually pretty good about it. once he magically scaled a half wall. i really thought i had him that time, but it turns out he can jump pretty high.

sometimes running away doesn't end well. i had a good clip on kevin once. as i ran through downtown bloomington, i was abruptly stopped by an elaborate homeless camp. this dude was set up with a nice blue and white tent, sleeping bag and i think, even a banner. it was startling to race gleefully away from my husband only to awkwardly slam on the brakes in order to avoid tripping over the homeless. that's the only time it's gone badly, though...

so run away from your friends! they'll be happy about it later when they realize you've given them a sick spontaneous cardio workout. spontaneous means they have no time to say no. forced fitness is what's going to keep us out of the floaty chairs.

this. just. HAPPENED.

i have a real post coming soon, but this just happened on my way out of the grocery store and i had to come home and tell someone about it.

as i was leaving the store, i glance over to the produce section through the entrance doors and see the most magically unique sight i have ever witnessed. it was the most awe-inspiring, majestic moment of at least my monday, perhaps even my year.

i know what you're thinking friends, i saw a unicorn or something else equally amazing. no. what i saw was even BETTER and MORE RARE than a unicorn.

prepare yourself.

take a deep breath.

mentally look back and check for the weirdest, most fantastic thing you've ever seen. keep that in mind.

now compare:

 

that's right. i drew this guy much younger than he was. he actually is in about his 50s with his blonde, mulleted DRED LOCKS. that's right. this dude had both a mullet and dreds. and a huge beer gut. and a mustache. i mean, holy cow. is he the only one? is he a PIONEER in terrible, stereotypical hairstyles? 

this guy lives in my neighborhood. he goes to my kroger. he is OUT THERE, nearby. i wish i could have talked to him. what an interesting individual to come out of his house in a blaze of insanity with clearly no regrets. that takes balls, dude. to look in your mirror and see too old to be blonde, blonde hair, all mulleted up and then long and dreded in the back and be ok with it? nice. 

because it can't just happen, oh no. that kind of hair takes planning. mullets require maintenance and dreds need your attention for a bit. he keeps after this look. day after fabulous day, he continually says yes to this hair.

my hat's off to you, kroger guy.

hipsta' kitty

and she means it. she's angry because she's fat, and from philly. that's a dangerous combo, amigo.

what happened to coldplay

don't act confused. "what do you mean, 'what happened to coldplay?'" shut up, dude. don't be an ignorant toad. their latest album is terrible. it's garbage. what happened?

here are a couple of, i think, plausible explanations as to what went wrong with their latest piece of work.

theory #1:
chris martin couldn't get inspired so he pulled words out of a hat and just went with it.

i could see this happening.

why put terrible in the hat, you ask? well naysayer, maybe he wanted to juxtapose some themes, make some clashes, shake things up. he's chris freakin' martin; he doesn't have to explain himself to you.

 theory #2:
a little white lie got waaay out of hand.

personally, i think theory #1 is more plausible, but theory #2 makes chris martin look like a nice guy. sort of.

theory #3:
they traded their talent for something from the sea witch. 

maybe they wanted to be mermaids for 3 days.

i have to say, i would be down for hanging out with ursula. she's pretty badass. she manages to smear dead anemone on her face and make it look like awesome lipstick. she could teach me how to destroy the whales. or enslave them...

t shirt ideas!

sometimes a really good idea hits. it smacks you on the face and says, "look at me!" and you've got no choice but to listen.

a while ago my friends and i were bitch slapped by t shirt ideas. duh.

that's the idea behind these next couple of pictures. friends karrie and von, husband kevin and i were all hanging out together and these came about as a result of too much laughter and watching of the dark knight. (have you seen the dark knight?! if your answer is no, dude, what are you waiting on? go watch it RIGHT NOW. it's amazing and pretty funny once you've watched it so many times that you can see all of the plot holes.)

now, von and karrie are much better artists than me. their comics actually look like comics and not art done by your developmentally disabled neighbor. so hopefully they'll redo these to look even more awesome.

boom.

 

first up we've got "gotham city doesn't care about black people". i don't remember how this came about, except that some poor black character in the dark knight got his apartment blown up or something. either way some one spit that phrase out and we laughed for hours. some context might help. but seriously, don't move to gotham city, black people. your shit will get fucked up.

 

next up, is the first REAL rule of fight club. i'm pretty sure we were all sitting around talking about how batman is the most badass guy out there (except jason bourne, who is unstoppable because he was trained by liam neeson's character from taken). then somehow we linked christian bale's batman to being like tyler durden and how they're probably the same person. so if they are the same person, this must be the obvious first rule of fight club. how could tyler have started all of those clubs if everyone knew he was batman? exactly, he couldn't.

is this not what you talk about when hanging out with your friends? then you must be uncool.

 

lastly, this is a public service message karrie and i came up with during one of our mind numbing shifts at barnes and noble. you see, a donkey and a horse make a mule! but the poor mules out there can't reproduce so we need to hook up more donkeys with more horses. it's only fair. this t shirt would also come in pink for the ladies. also because i couldn't decide which background i liked better.

 

pink, right?